God has failed me. Let's make a plan!
Cast your vote for how I'm going to find friends.
Once every three to four nights, I’ll wake up at around 4 am in a blind panic about my life, my career, the world, and the future of my children. We all have those nights. Last night it happened again and none of my usual go-tos (melatonin/weed/podcasts/pacing) worked. The more I tried to calm my frayed nerves, the more I panicked.
As I lay there, I thought about God, and how it seems pretty good to surrender yourself to a higher power. Congregations are generally welcoming, at least for a white cis-het dude like myself, and some of the most earnest hugs and high-fives I’ve ever had have taken place in churches. I also like clapping along to music, which, as I understand it, is a large part of modern piety. Robert Putnam, a giant when it comes to chronicling American loneliness, seems to think that churches, at least if we reform them a little, can provide community and friendship for folks like me.
Unfortunately I already tried God in middle-school, and it was terrible.
I was a worried and fretful child prone to hypochondria and an ever growing collection of imagined cancers, and so one night I decided to start praying. It started easy enough; “Dear God, thanks for everything, please watch out for me and everyone I love. Amen.” Nice!
Being a nervous child, I soon began to worry that God needed more specificity. How was He/She/They/Them supposed to know exactly what I was thankful for? An so it grew to “Dear God, thank you for my family, my friends, my house, my cat, my clothes, my pretty sweet collection of Rambo action figures etc. Please watch out for me and everyone I love. Amen.”
Fine, right? Except who exactly did I mean by “my family”? Parents and brother for sure. Probably uncles, aunts, and cousins. But what about second cousins, great grandparents (dead, but still need looking out for right?) aunts by marriage?! Also, who are my friends? Do classmates and acquaintances count? Was my podiatrist just supposed to fend for himself?
And how exactly did I want the Lord to take care of all these people? Health wise obviously, but some of the adults in my life probably had investments or career worries. I definitely had school worries. I’m not exaggerating when I say that by week two, my evening prayer was an hour long affair. In the end I decided that a god who needed that kind of specificity was not for me, so I abandoned religion. Perhaps for good.
So in lieu of God, what am I going to fill my days with? This is a project to banish my own loneliness after all, so let’s come up with a plan together. If America is going to hell because we don’t do things together any more, I’m going to heroically go out and do things with other people.
I have come up with three alternatives, and I’ll let you guys decide. Whatever I end up doing, I’ll document the journey.
The options are:
Join an a capella group. There is nothing I find more mortifying and cringe-worthy than a capella. But look at the people doing it! Best friends, without a care in the world!
Audition for community theatre. I don’t know if you guys know this, but I am a semi-trained actor. I’m not good at it, but I have been somewhat trained. I was in Grease and I was happy! I’ll audition for a play, hopefully get a part, and immerse myself in the performing arts!
Join a biker gang. Biker gangs are badass and I want to join one. I need a motorcycle license and a motorcycle for this one, but that’ll be part of it. Join me as I buy chaps and become a feared outlaw.
Other? I’m also open to weird suggestions. Drop them in comments!
Are you still in NY? Let's start surfing again!